How the “10-Minute Rule” Helps Couples Reconnect: Insights from a Los Angeles Anxiety Therapist
Discover how small, intentional moments can strengthen emotional connection in relationships with guidance from an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, CA.
Why Small Moments Matter
I recently shared my thoughts in Bustle on “The “10 Minute Rule” Is A Low-Effort Way To Reconnect With Your Partner”— a simple yet powerful way couples can strengthen connection through intentional time together. As an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, I often see how the fast pace of life leaves little room for emotional closeness and creates a distance between individuals in a relationship(s). I have even felt the same tug myself, the feeling that there is never enough time to truly connect with those closest to me.
The “10 minute rule” not only helps couples slow down, but also offers a structure for intentionally nurturing their relationship(s). In my work as an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, I have witnessed how couples who struggle with ongoing stress or disconnection can benefit from slowing down and practicing emotional presence. In this post, I expand on that idea and explore how I weave a form of this practice in my work with individual clients and also explore how couples can integrate it into their everyday lives.
The Importance of Undivided Attention
Couples can benefit from any amount of undivided attention with each other to create more emotional closeness. It allows for more understanding of each other’s day, increases communication, encourages active listening, and creates space for validation. In the hustle of work, family, kids, and life — we tend to put emotional closeness off to the side. Taking time for each other helps rekindle the intimacy that was there at the start of the relationship. Whether you’re navigating long-distance, new parenthood, or everyday stressors, creating these intentional moments can transform your sense of safety and connection. As an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, I support individuals in finding realistic, meaningful ways to bring these practices into their relationships daily.
While the the practice seems too good to be true, I invite you to pause and notice with curiosity what comes up for you when thinking about giving someone your undivided attention or receiving it.
Are you shaking your head no?
Does your chest feeling heavy?
Are you furrowing your eyebrows?
Does this thought bring up worry or discomfort?
Let me tell you, it is completely okay to feel uncertain or hesitant. As an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, I often work with clients who share they do not know how to engage with their partner(s) in an emotional way because they never had that modeled to them growing up. In stances from the past, when they had attempted to, they were not met with encouragement, attention, or care. Naturally, you learn to avoid talking about your feelings and instead focus on what is practical, safe, and productive.
The truth is, emotional closeness isn’t something most of us were taught and for many first-generation, BIPOC, or Queer individuals, emotional connection may have even been discouraged. As I’ve written before in my blog “The Impact of Emotional Connection”, “Many adults who grew up in families without an emotional language experience this frustration in relationships as they get older. Emotional intimacy is often first learned through our parents or primary caregivers, but it’s not always taught in ways that serve us as we grow. Being independent, strong, and self-sufficient may have been what helped you or your family get through hard times, but it can also make emotional openness in adult relationships feel foreign or even unsafe.”
So, if the topic of undivided attention is making you second guess because of the feeling of discomfort, it is not wrong but telling you that this is a new foreign way to interact with a partner(s). You’re not wrong. And, here is some good news: it is possible to relearn connection and feel less discomfort. I have witnessed many of my clients learn to practice different forms of undivided attention, slowly and compassionately. And it can start small, with just five or ten intentional minutes. In the next section, I will touch on how it can look like practicing with your partner(s). But first, I would to invite you to reflect on the prompt below. If you are not ready, that is okay and it will be here when you are.
Reflection Prompt:
“What would it feel like to give yourself permission to slow down and connect, even for just ten minutes?
What the “10-Minute Rule” Looks Like in Practice
For some couples, it can be ten minutes daily, while for others, every few days. What is important to take into consideration, is that it is consistent and intentional. Each partner should discuss what feels doable and will help them maintain this new habit. This allows for as much transparency around individual mental or emotional obstacles that may impede their ability to engage in the practice.
A key factor is identifying moments when both partners can be mentally present and not weighed down by stress of distractions. You can begin exploring this by asking yourselves:
When are we most able to be mentally present, not distracted, to connect and listen?
What helps us both feel emotionally available? and what does that look like for each of us?
In my practice, I recommend starting small. Giving each other a few minutes of focused, device-free attention, and slowly increase the time as it begins to feel more natural and comfortable. During stressful periods, it is even more important to return to this practice, even if it feels easier to skip it. (Reminder: Give yourself grace for not wanting to, pause and be curious in what is holding you back, and gently return back to the practice. Sometimes all you need is just to validate what is holding you back and the practice can be telling your partner).
The beauty of the practice is it’s flexibility. An intimacy practice is what a couple decides it to be, shaped by unique circumstances such as distance, new transitions, work schedules, obligations, or family structures. These are the common stressors I see in my practice that often lead individuals to feel distant from their partner. There is no ‘perfect’ way of doing it.
For example, a long-distance couple may need longer intentional sessions because they are not being in the same time zone and can not be physically near each other. In contrast, a couple who have become new parents may physically with each other but struggle to be mentally present due to lack of sleep and the constant demands of their child. For them, intimacy practices for them might look like short, sporadic moments of connection between naps, feeding, and caregiving.
Let me repeat: there is no perfect way of doing it. The quality of the connection carries more value than the quantity of time spent.
Reflection Prompt:
“What would a good quality connection look like for you? How can it fit into your life?
Using the Rule to Strengthen Communication
Once couples have established a consistent 10-minute practice, it can also support healthier communication. Practicing during calm, low-stress moments helps couples develop active listening skills in truly listening to their partner(s) without interrupting, defending, or talking over them. Over time, this builds an amazing foundation for navigating conflicts more effectively when they show up.
Practicing active listening skills in everyday moments allows couples to bring these skills into tense situations, when vulnerability is high and defense mechanisms often take over in the form of defending, interrupting, or shutting down. How our nervous system responds in conflict is a major reason why I do not recommend trying intimacy practices for the first time during an argument. The ten minute rule or any form intimacy practice is not a cure for disagreements, but it lays out the ground work to prevent conflicts from going unresolved and becoming wounds. In my work as an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, I often remind my clients that learning these skills outside of conflict is key to creating lasting emotional safety.
During tense moments, grounding techniques can be more supportive for a couple. These tools help regulate the nervous system and create space for repair when emotions are high. Meaning the hurt that lives within a couple because of unresolved disagreements, is allowed to come into the room and be heard. Examples of slowing down are pausing, deep breathing, physical touch, or gentle movement. In my practice, I encourage clients to identify what safety or comfort looks like for them so they can return to the present, acknowledge their emotions, and communicate effectively with their partner. This process takes time and can sometimes bring up past trauma, so I do not recommend trying it outside of therapy without professional support.
Practicing connection and communication can feel challenging, especially when past experiences get triggered. I support adults in building safe, intentional practices with their partners. Learn more about my therapy approach in Los Angeles as an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles or reach out to schedule your consultation to explore how we can work together.
(Note: Grounding techniques and the 10-minute rule are educational tools and will look different for each couple. This blog is for informational purposes and is not a replacement for therapy.)
Preparing for Intentional Connection
These intentional moments of undivided attention works best when couples prepare together. Discussing boundaries, needs, and comfort levels can make the experience feel safer and build trust in stepping into emotional vulnerability. The capacity a couple has in having these conversations come from guided questions, because ultimately what many fear about giving is receiving undivided attention is not being met with encouragement, attention, understanding, or care.
Guided questions to explore:
“What time of day works for both of us?”
“How do we feel about eye contact or physical touch (ie holding hands)?
“How will we take turns speaking and listening?”
“What help us feel heard and validated?”
After practicing undivided attention, take time to reflect together. What felt good? What felt uncomfortable? What might you each want more of next time?” This helps couples fine-tune the practice in a way that feels genuine for their relationship.
If you would like support in exploring these conversations with your partner, working with an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles who specializes in relationship anxiety can help deeper your emotional awareness and connection.
What to Share During These Moments
Once you’ve established when and how these ten minutes (or whichever time frame you choose), the next step is deciding what to share. You might talk about your day, accomplishments, upcoming worries, or something they have been wanting to express but have not had the chance to.
It is important to be mindful to go beyond surface-level general updates like “It was fine” or “Work was long”, and focus on specifics to help your partner understand your world. Lean into being curios and genuinely interested. When partners feel seen and heard, emotional closeness naturally deepens.
In my work as an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles I often remind clients that this is not about solving problems, it is about staying connected even when life feels hectic. Those are often the moments we need closeness the most, but struggle to ask for it because of not wanting to be a burden.
Reconnection does not always require grand gestures like we in romantic comedies. Sometimes, it is found in the quiet moments of attention and care. The small smile shared across the room, a check in after a long day, or the scheduled ten minuted together.
If you are noticing distance or disconnection in your relationship, small, consistent efforts around undivided attention can help rebuild trust and emotional closeness.
