How Anxiety Shapes Communication and Connection in Relationships | Anxiety Therapist Los Angeles CA
Explore how anxiety shapes communication and trust in relationships with insight from an anxiety therapist Los Angeles CA.
How Anxiety Shapes Miscommunication in Relationships
I have come to find, in my work as an anxiety therapist Los Angeles CA, and also as someone who enjoys romantic comedies and reality dating shows, that there is a constant pattern of conflicts within relationships. This isn’t just in romantic connections, but also in relationships with our friends and family.
There is often a voice that gets in the way of saying what we really want to say or pointing out a behavior that hurts us.
I’ve had my own fair share of staying quiet to maintain what peace I think exists in a connection with someone, only to notice the tension doesn’t go away. It shows up more, along with a growing sense of irritability. At first I believed this irritability was caused by others, but in reality, it came from the pain of not being able to communicate that something hurt me.
These missteps happen because a voice tells us it’s “not okay” or “not the right time'“ to speak up. A fear that someone will leave if we express ourselves. My brain was trying to protect me.
In reality, it is the voice of anxiety shaping my miscommunication and creating this falsehood, influencing my connections with others.
I see the same patterns reflected constantly in media: individuals holding back to avoid rocking the boat, only to create miscommunication and distance in their relationships. Anxiety often drives these moments, shaping how we relate to others and creating a false sense of disconnection, even when our desire for connection is real.
The Hidden Weight of Miscommunication in Relationships
Miscommunication in relationships often carries a hidden weight that can quietly shape how we connect with others. It shows up in many ways: making assumptions about what someone else is thinking, shutting down instead of speaking up, avoiding tough conversations, or over-explaining ourselves in an attempt to be understood. Over time, these patterns can leave us feeling frustrated, misunderstood, unheard, alone, and even resentful. Especially true for how we feel toward those closest to us.
Anxiety often underlies these behaviors. In my previous blog, “Attachment Wounds and Trust Issues in Relationships,” I touch on how anxiety can act as both a shield and a barrier.
It takes inventory of past pain in an effort to keep us safe from experiencing it again, but in doing so, it can blocks the very conversations that could help heal that pain.
If miscommunication goes unaddressed, it can become an attachment wound, amplifying thoughts like “Can anyone really understand me?” or “I will always be alone.” This makes it harder to experience moments of being heard and understood, which are important for building deeper and more real adult relationships.
This is especially common for First-Gen, BIPOC, and Queer folks. When we grow up in systems that push against healthy forms of emotional expression, speaking up can feel uncomfortable, “weird,” or even “scary.” Without realizing it, we carry these coping strategies in our adult relationships; through silence, avoidance, or minimizing either our partner’s emotions or our own. Recognizing these patterns as ways we learned to cope with past experiences, helps pave the way towards breaking the cycle of previous generations and building real connections. Ones less weighed down by miscommunication and anxiety.
Common Defense Mechanisms That Show Up When Trust Breaks
Breaking the cycle of miscommunication involves stepping into compassion toward the responses rooted in past pain that show up in present disagreements or misunderstandings. Many people label these reactions as being “too emotional,” and in part, yes, these responses do come from our emotions. However, if we pause to be curious about why people react they way they do, we might become more open understanding toward them. Maybe then, we would see these reactions as defense mechanisms or “protective responses,” rather than flaws.
Defense mechanisms may show up as:
Internal dialogues and self-critical thoughts:
“I should’ve known better”
“I’m so stupid”
“What is the point”
“Of course, this happened, what else did I expect”
Emotional withdrawal and defensiveness as a self-protective responses:
Shutting down
Walking away
Talking over
Deflecting
These defense mechanisms often surface in clients I work with in therapy as an anxiety therapist Los Angeles, CA. It is a pervasive pattern that we work through together by meeting it with compassion and less with judgement. Through this process, we explore what these protective responses are trying to tell us about underlying needs and past pain. Breaking it down allows clients to increase their self-awareness and communicate more clearly with others, decreasing the miscommunication patterns that show up in their relationships.
Reality TV Mirror: Serena’s Reaction on Love Island USA
As a viewer of reality Tv I find vivid examples of defense mechanisms playing out in real time. These moments help bridge the gap for clients to recognize similar patterns in themselves when we discuss them in therapy. Season 6 of love island had a powerful portrayal of defense mechanisms when past hurts resurface, especially after the Casa Amor episodes, when the guys return back to the villa.
A quick recap : Serena and Kordell had built a strong emotional connection foundation before Kordell left to casa amor, another villa where guys meet and socialize with other women. It is unclear if they ever discussed boundaries, which easily leads to assumptions and miscommunication.
When Kordell returned with another girl, Serena’s reaction was one of deep in betrayal. Her behaviors show up clearly as anger, withdrawal, and self-protection. She shuts him out when he tries to apologize, throws the plate he makes her for breakfast, talks over him, and breaks down crying during their conversations.
Her pain is vivid and raw; a mirror of what many clients describe feeling when trust has been broken.
If you are interested in more of how reality tv can reveal trust issues in action, I explore Serena’s journey further in my previous blog, “Attachment Wounds and Trust Issues in Relationships,” where I touch on how past hurts and attachment wounds shape her hesitations with Kordell.
Learning to Heal Beyond Defenses
Defense mechanisms, miscommunication, and attachment wounds can give us an insight into ourselves that is intimate and vulnerable. Many people can feel overwhelmed because they have never learned what to do with these three themes. I have come to find in therapy with my clients as an anxiety therapist Los Angeles, CA, that it begins with slowing down to allow for more self-understanding. When the society we grow up in is deeply shaped by urgency and productivity, it is never taught to us that so much value can be found in slowing down.
To be with our automatic reactions, is to meet ourselves in a place of compassion, often for the first time.
I have witnessed so much growth in therapy with my clients who are open to take on these practices because it allows them to see for themselves “why” they are feeling defensive. Learn to go beyond judging themselves for being “emotional,” and see their reactions as protective behaviors. To create a space with others in practicing safer communication patterns. In my work in anxiety therapy Los Angeles CA, clients often learn that these protective walls don’t need to disappear overnight, but they can soften as emotional safety grows.
If you’ve noticed miscommunication or defense patterns in your own relationships, know that you’re not alone.
Working with an anxiety therapist Los Angeles CA can help you understand your patterns, honor your protective instincts, and begin to build healthier, more connected relationships.
Contact me today for your free consultation at (323) 493-6644 or Book Here.
Ligia Orellana, LMFT (#122659)
I’m an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, California, certified in LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapy and Somatic Attachment Therapy. I help first-generation BIPOC and Queer adults who feel the pressure to hold it all together move through self-doubt, anxiety, and relationship struggles. My work creates space for deeper connection and self-trust through emotional safety and cultural understanding.
Learn more about my work with relationship stress, people-pleasing and self-doubt, and online therapy, or visit my About page to learn more.
