Your Identity Isn’t a Phase You Have to Explain to Family
When Your Identity Becomes Something You Have to Explain
Exploring LGBTQIA+ identity, family expectations, and the emotional exhaustion of feeling pressured to explain who you are.
The holidays approaching can stir up old feelings of dread, especially if you anticipate certain spaces around friends or family that leave you feeling like an outsider. This blog is for you. It is for adults who feel exhausted throughout the year, navigating LGBTQIA+ identity and family expectations. Those who feel pressured to explain or defend who they are. As a therapist in Torrance, CA I work with LGBTQIA/QTBIPOC adults who struggle to show up as their full selves because of worries about judgement, guilt, shame. They come to find that years of doing that can lead to this unexplainable feeling in their bodies that can be hard to put into words and are looking for ways to get rid of it.
When you are hit with constant dismissals of your identity or parts of what makes you who you are and told it is a “phase,” it can lead to denying a core part of you. Especially if your LGBTQIA+ identity and family expectations present to be at odds with each other. Second guessing and feelings of confusion can surface unexpectedly because of cultural values, family expectations, and generational differences that play a factor into labeling your identity as a phase. Naturally as children it is learned early on the negative impact of disobeying, going against the grain, and carving your own path different from those around you. These negative consequences are what your body knows, and what may be keeping you in this pattern.
If you need a reminder that your identity is not a phase and need tools to stay emotionally sane this season or the next, read on.
Reflection question: Can a reality exist where you can understand yourself and you do not need the understanding or validation from others? What would that be like?
Key Takeaways
You do not have to prove your identity for it to be real.
Family reactions can affect how safe you feel expressing yourself.
You can care about your family while recognizing your own needs and boundaries.
Reclaiming your identity can begin with giving yourself permission, even when others are not ready to do so.
The Emotional Exhaustion of Having to Explain Your Identity to Family
It can be hard to notice the emotional toll it takes on your body when you are met with misunderstanding and judgement from others in your life based on who you are. Maybe you notice the internal eye rolls, ‘not this again,’ 'when are they going to get it,’ the annoyance, the frustration, and, deep down, some hurt. Especially if who you are is out of the bounds of what they deem normal or typical based on cultural/societal rules and expectations. You are able to go about your day afterwards but those nagging thoughts second guessing yourself creep up and it can be hard to let go of unless you distract yourself with busy work.
If you really sit down with yourself and reflect on recent gatherings, you will begin to notice the anticipation leading up to them, the annoyance and feeling misunderstood that never leaves during them, and the feeling of exhaustion afterwards. There might be some rituals that you have been engaged in unintentionally to help cope with these situations. Adults I work with find themselves wanting to work through exit plans during these gatherings. They replay in their heads interactions from previous moments in order to help them prepare for the million questions asked, the need to defend their identity, and hold their tongue on what they really want to say to them. All to prevent rocking the boat too much.
Holding onto tension for what seems longer than actual events impacts our bodies in physical ways — creating muscle aches, stomach aches, headaches. Try for a moment clenching your hand into a fist for a couple of minutes. How does your hand feel when it is clenched versus when you let it go? Now, imagine how your body feels clenched up. The exhaustion is not only felt emotionally but physically as well.
Reflection question: Take a moment to notice tension in your body as you clench and unclench your fist. Have you noticed this same clenching and holding onto tension with gatherings with family or friends?
When Your LGBTQIA+ Identity Is Dismissed as “A Phase”
In a culture where there is pressure to justify your decisions, you may have come to find perhaps needing to defend your own LGBTQIA+ identity. Especially if you grew up around heteronormativity being normal. If you are met with constant requests to over-explain, justify, defend who you are it becomes harder to cope with the emotional stress of doing just that multiple times a year. It makes you feel that your LGBTQIA+ identity is being made to be seen “a phase'“ to create some sense of peace for others. It becomes a sacrifice for the sake of others.
As a therapist in Torrance, I work with adults who are used to carry a lot of responsibility because it feels natural for them to say yes . They do not want to rock the boat, and may make small sacrifices of their own time to be there for others. It can also translate into how they hide parts of themselves because it is just ‘better for everybody.’ But what if it starts taking a toll?
It can leave you feeling unseen or invalidated from the very people you may feel close with. When a major part of who we are is dismissed or not taken seriously it can be hard to feel validated in who we are.
Reflection: Have you noticed being stuck in between explaining yourself and not rocking the boat?
Navigating family expectations while staying connected to your identity can bring up feelings of guilt, uncertainty, and emotional exhaustion.
Navigating Cultural Expectations, Family Loyalty, and Identity
Life decisions and living in your truth can become more complicated because of cultural, familial, and societal pressures. These pressures can dictate what is considered “acceptable” behavior and what may lead to punishment. Sometimes, these expectations are not explicitly said aloud. It is felt in your body as tension and shows up in thoughts of “being bad” or in constant second-guessing. Often it is learned early on that stepping outside of those expectations can bring guilt or shame. For many First-Gen, BIPOC, and Queer adults, this tension can translate into a mental battle of how to react when one’s identity is getting dismissed. You want to connect in a way that feels authentic, but fear tells you it is wrong or hurtful because of reactions that you may have observed or witnessed when your identity comes up.
These invisible rules of connection can feel heavy, especially as it concerns familial relationships when your identity feels like it strays away from what is considered right in families. This can lead to assumptions shaping the way one can anticipate conversations about their LGBTQIA+ identity will go, because of previous negative reactions. This leaves people feeling stuck between themselves and the relationships they are trying to maintain.
Navigating belonging, expectations, and self-understanding alone creates tension in your body. You may find yourself caught between wanting to maintain family connection and wanting to care for yourself in ways that feel more aligned with who you are becoming. And staying silent or being everything for everyone can take a toll over time. Understanding what boundaries you want to set with your family in order to feel some sense of stability can help with this tension.
Reflection question: What invisible rules of connection can you notice that may be tied to your family?
How to Stop Seeking Family Permission to Be Yourself
Learning to trust yourself and recognize your needs can create space for a different relationship with yourself and those around you.
Sometimes it feels easier to make the decision to silence parts of your identity in order to avoid assumed disappointment or criticism from others. It feels safer and intuitive in the moment. But it can also leave you wondering: “What has been the emotional cost?”
Growing up in environments where emotional expression was invalidated or ignored can make it difficult to sit with the discomfort of choosing yourself. This can show up as difficulty trusting your decisions, over-dependence on the opinions of others, overthinking whether you did something wrong, and difficulty prioritizing your needs because of the fear of disappointing others. This can ring true for moments when your LGBTQ+ identity gets dismissed and suddenly there is a rush of emotions and uncertainty of how you want to respond. You may start to emotionally shut down and silence the part of you that wants to speak up.
While it can be hard to think about these moments, they can also present opportunities to learn how to show up for yourself:
Notice when conversations leave you feeling a sense of pressure or tension.
Begin to understand which emotions and responses arise for you.
Reflect on the uncertainty with how to respond.
All of this information can help you figure out the type of relationship you would like to have with those around you regarding your identity, and the boundaries you want to create. Setting boundaries with family as an LGBTQIA+ adult does not have to mean ending those relationships. This is what healing can look like: doing small, intentional practices that support you in becoming more self-attuned, learn to trust yourself, and become less emotionally exhausted by explaining your identity. It also means understanding that there is room to have different options in how you want to be around others: what to share, when to engage, and when to step back.
Most importantly, this allows space to normalize the messiness of growing in confidence around your identity. Acknowledging feelings of uncertainty, grief, or guilt does not mean you are doing something wrong. You are learning to have a different relationship with yourself than the one you had when you were younger. Having a stronger sense of self through learning how you see yourself does not have to rely on the reactions of others.
Reflection question: Check in with yourself on how all of this is feeling. What does it bring up?
Finding LGBTQIA+-Affirming Therapy for Identity Stress and Family Expectations
Navigating finding a balance for yourself around identity and family expectations can feel lonely and uncomfortable on your own, especially if the people in your life do not understand. The emotional weight can be difficult to put into words. Fear can also keep you from taking necessary steps of self-reflection because this may be new territory for you. It makes sense. Change can bring up uncertainty for you and the relationships you share with family. It is normal to get stuck in the ‘What if’s’ to create change on your own.
That is where working with a culturally affirming LGBTQIA+ therapist in California matters. Not only to have someone hold a safe space for you as you explore themes that bring up discomfort, but someone who understands the internal conflicts that arise to step away from cultural expectations.
Therapy can offer a space to explore what comes up emotionally when your family doesn't understand or accept your LGBTQIA+ identity. It can also help you better understand your needs, explore boundaries, and build trust in yourself. Finding a therapist in Torrance, CA who understands your experiences can be an important part of exploring what support feels right for you.
I work with adults, especially first-generation, BIPOC, and Queer individuals, who often appear to be managing everything on the outside while carrying quiet pressure internally. Together, we explore your needs without feeling pressured to choose between family and yourself. We find a path towards relief from emotional exhaustion amidst fears of disappointment and guilt.
Your Identity Is Yours to Understand
Your queer identity matters and there is a way out of the cycle in having to feel the need to defend yourself to family and friends. Honoring your needs and loving your family can co-exist. You do not have to sacrifice either in order to find relief. A meaningful part of learning how to cope with circumstances that feel out of control is recognizing that there is a way through that does not have to leave you feeling stuck or in survival mode day by day.
Together, we move at a pace that allows you to reconnect with your own voice and build confidence in the choices you make going forward.
If you're curious about how therapy can support you, I'm now offering in-person sessions for therapy in Torrance, CA. For those outside of Torrance, I offer online therapy throughout California.
You don't have to figure it all out alone.
Ligia Orellana, LMFT (#122659)
I’m an anxiety therapist in Los Angeles, California, certified in LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapy and Somatic Attachment Therapy. I support first-generation BIPOC and Queer adults who feel the pressure to hold it all together in moving through self-doubt, anxiety, and relationship stress. My work creates space for deeper connection and self-trust through emotional safety and cultural understanding.
Learn more about my work in Torrance or through online therapy, explore specialties like relationship stress and people-pleasing and self-doubt, or visit my About page.
